Today Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Diary of a New Snow Shoveler
    Decenber 8th 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
    December 9th We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
    December 12th The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob more...

    Work Excuse

    Hot 1 year agoby Tats

    A man phoned his boss "I need a day off today, something is wrong with my eyes". "What's wrong with your eyes?" asks the boss. "Don't know, but I can't see myself coming into work today".

    A Blonde's Diary

    Hot 1 year ago

    MONDAY: It's so much fun to cook for Ron. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. Fortunately, the neighbors were kind enough to loan me some extra bowls.
    TUESDAY: Ron wanted fruit salad for dinner. The recipe said serve without dressing so, I didn't dress. What a surprise when Ron brought his boss home for dinner.
    WEDNESDAY: A great day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed sort of silly, but I took a shower. I can't say it improved the rice any.
    THURSDAY: Today, Ron asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Ron asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
    FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was exactly the same as when I left.
    SATURDAY: Ron more...

    Church Bloopers

    Hot 4 years ago

    The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.
    Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
    The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
    Evening massage - 6 p.m.
    The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
    The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
    Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
    Ushers will eat latecomers.
    The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
    The pastor will more...

    The coincidence

    Hot 3 years ago

    A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.
    He turned to her and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
    "What a coincidence," said the woman, "I'm celebrating, too". She clinked glasses with him and asked, "What are you celebrating?"
    "I'm a chicken farmer," he replied. "For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're
    finally fertile."
    "What a coincidence, the woman said. "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm
    pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
    "I switched cocks," he replied.
    "What a coincidence," she said.

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