Declared Jokes

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    The Race

    Hot 2 years ago

    There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

    After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

    Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

    When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

    This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.

    My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...

    A blonde was sitting down for her usual cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio... "There will be 3 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the street."
    So, she got up from her coffee and went to move her car.
    Two days later, again sitting down with her cup of morning coffee, when the weather forecaster announced,"There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the street."
    So, she got up from her coffee and again moved her car.
    Four days later, again sitting down with her cup of coffee, the weather forecaster announced,"There will be 5 to 7 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the... " and then the power went out and she didn't get the rest of the instructions.
    She said,"What am I going to more...

    Can you help me? asked Alice.No," said Negative. "I'm looking for a white consultant." Alice pointed in the direction she had been walking. "Did he go this way?" she asked. "No," said Negative. She pointed the other way. "Yes," said Positive. Soon Alice came upon a large brown table. The Consultant was there, as was an apparently Mad Hacker, and several creatures that Alice did not recognize. In one corner sat a Dormouse fast asleep. Over the table was a large sign that read "UNIX Conference." Everyone except the Dormouse was holding a paper cup, from which they were sampling what appeared to be custard. "Wrong flavor," they all declared as they passed the cup the cup to the creature on their right and graciously took the one being offered on their left. Alice watched them repeat this ritual three or four times before she approached and sat down. Immediately, a large toad leaped into her lap and looked at her as if it more...

    On my first Sunday at a new church a woman came out, shook my had and declared that I had preached a "Very warm sermon."
    I thanked her.
    The next week, "You preached a warm sermon today," she declared.
    Again I thanked her, feeling very proud.
    The same thing the third week, and the fourth, and the fifth.
    On the sixth week she declared it to be a "Warm sermon" again and I said, "By the way, when you say I preache a warm sermon, what do you mean?
    "Not so hot." and she walked off

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