Impress Jokes / Recent Jokes

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
Show up naked.
Bring Beer.

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Joe decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Joe berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North Coast Vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Joe was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can you tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Joe sipped at the drunk's glass.
"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right," said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
Bring beer.

So... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club."
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.
Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

So... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies NightClub."One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and putit on his butt cheek.Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She callsthe guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other buttcheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friendpulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the$50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now theattention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute... and then the financialanalyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down thecrack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!