Break Jokes

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    Skiing Accident

    Hot 3 years ago

    A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
    One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
    If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.
    Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she more...

    Subject: more microsoft c humor
    Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
    Project: Version - Windows 95
    Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include
    #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
    #include /* For the court of law */
    #define say(x) lie(x)
    #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
    #define next_year soon
    #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
    void main()
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    say("It will be ready in one more...

    An inmate at the insane asylum was being examined for possible release. The first question the examining doctor asked was: "What are you going to do when you leave this institution?"
    "I'm gonna get me a sling shot," said the patient, "and I'm gonna come back here and break every goddam window in the place!"
    After six more months of treatment, the patient was again brought before the examining doctor for possible dismissal, and the same question was put to him.
    "Well, I'm going to get a job," the patient replied.
    "Fine," said the doctor. "Then what?"
    "I'm going to rent an apartment."
    "Very good."
    "Then I'm going to meet a beautiful girl."
    "I'm going to take the beautiful girl up to my apartment and I'm going to pull up her skirt."
    "Normal, perfectly normal."
    "Then I'm gonna steal her garter, make more...

    100 Reasons It's Good to Be a Woman
    1. free drinks
    2. free dinners
    3. free lunches
    4. free movies (you get the point)
    5. you can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay
    6. you can cry without pretending there's something in your contact
    7. you know the truth about whether size matters
    8. Speeding ticket? What's that?
    9. you can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay
    10. you actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports
    11. you don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies
    12. if you never have a son, it's okay
    13. if you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay
    14. if YOU'RE a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being
    15. a new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life
    16. in high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned
    17. if you have sex with someone more...

    A lonely explorer is lost in the jungle and gets caught by a tribe of cannibals.
    He is brought to the chief who speaks his judgement:
    You shall be eaten alive!
    Unless you succeed in the three tests of liberty!
    The guy naturely agrees to perform the tests, for it is his last hope of escape.
    The Chief sentences hil to the test of the jungle:
    "First, you go in first hut and drink everything".
    "Then, you go in second hut, and break legs of lion!"
    "Last, you go in third hut and bring oldest tribe member (130 years old) to orgasm."
    The explorer enters the first hut and drinks 3 bottles of wine, 2 bottles of whisky and a crate of beer.
    After an hour he comes out, drunk as never before, and stumbles into the second hut.
    Suddenly hell breaks loose. Dust flies around, and the hut shakes wildly from left to right.
    The cannibals fear that their supper is being eaten by the lion, and just before they decide to kill the more...

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