Break Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Skiing Accident

    Hot 8 years ago

    A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
    One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
    If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.
    Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she more...

    An inmate at the insane asylum was being examined for possible release. The first question the examining doctor asked was: "What are you going to do when you leave this institution?"
    "I'm gonna get me a sling shot," said the patient, "and I'm gonna come back here and break every goddam window in the place!"
    After six more months of treatment, the patient was again brought before the examining doctor for possible dismissal, and the same question was put to him.
    "Well, I'm going to get a job," the patient replied.
    "Fine," said the doctor. "Then what?"
    "I'm going to rent an apartment."
    "Very good."
    "Then I'm going to meet a beautiful girl."
    "Excellent."
    "I'm going to take the beautiful girl up to my apartment and I'm going to pull up her skirt."
    "Normal, perfectly normal."
    "Then I'm gonna steal her garter, make more...

    Car Acronyms

    Hot 5 years ago

    ACURA
    Another Crummy, Useless, Rotten Automobile
    Asia's Curse Upon Rural America
    AMC
    All Makes Combined
    A Major Cost
    A Mutated Car
    A Morons Car
    Another Major Catastrophe
    AUDI
    Awfully Unsafe Designs Implemented
    Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
    Automobile Under Demonic Influence
    Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
    Always Undermining Deutsche Intelligence
    Automobile Unsafe Designs, Inc.
    BMW
    Big Money Works
    Bought My Wife
    Brutal Money Waster
    Break My Window
    Break My Windshield
    Babbling Mechanical Wench
    Beastly Monstrous Wonder
    Beautiful Masterpieces on Wheels
    Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
    Barely Moving Wreck
    Big Money Waste
    Big Money. Why?
    Big Money Works
    Born Moderately Wealthy
    Breaks Most Wrenches
    Bring More Wrenches
    Brings Me Women
    Brings More Women
    Broken Money Waster
    Broke My Wallet
    Broken Monstrous Wonder
    Bumbling Mechanical more...

    Subject: more microsoft c humor
    Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
    Project: Version - Windows 95
    Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE): #include
    #include
    #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
    #include /* For the court of law */
    #define say(x) lie(x)
    #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
    #define next_year soon
    #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
    void main()
    {
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
    {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
    market_time=ripe;
    say("It will be ready in one more...

    Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek-----------------------------------------There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more obvious errors in the Star Trek vision. Medical Technology------------------------On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up behind you and sealyour ass shut as a practical joke. The devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy to close other people's orifices. Transporter--------------It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space and then reassemble them. The only problem is that more...

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