Ways Jokes

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    Airline Announcements

    Hot 9 months ago

    Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
    safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
    are some real examples that have been heard or reported.
    From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your
    lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
    Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
    to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
    please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if
    you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
    After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
    enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
    lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. more...

    100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy
    1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
    2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
    3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
    4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
    5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
    6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
    7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
    8. Answer their questions with questions.
    9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
    10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
    11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
    12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of more...

    One warm day, Mulla Nasruddin was taking it easy in the shade of a walnut tree. After a time, he started eyeing speculatively, the huge pumpkins rising on vines and the small walnuts growing on a majestic tree.

    Sometimes I just can't understand the ways of God! He mused. Just fancy letting tiny walnuts grow on so majestic a tree and huge pumpkins on the delicate vines!

    Just then a walnut snapped off and cut down smack on Mulla Nasruddin's hairless head. He got up at once and lifting up his hands and face to heavens in supplication, said:

    Oh, my God! Forgive my inquiring your ways! You are all-wise. Where would I have been now, if pumpkins grew on trees!

    If men wrote the rules

    Hot 3 years ago

    IF MEN WROTE THE RULES
    1.Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
    2.If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    3.If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
    4.It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
    5.Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
    6.Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
    7.You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
    8.Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    9.Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
    10.Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs more...

    Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:
    A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a happy meal. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. All foam, no beer. The butter has slipped off his pancake. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. As smart as bait. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Her sewing machine's out of thread. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl. Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Not wired to code. Skylight leaks a little. Her slinky's kinked. Too much yardage between the goal posts. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on. more...

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