Hospital Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?" "I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim. "Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!"Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?" "I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered."Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"
Once upon a time, there was a girl... "Once upon a time, there was a girl who was sleeping in her bedroom... SHE was snoring loudly... Mom regonised the noise and sehe went upstairs to see what was the noise...
After a while she saw that the girl was like a chicken!!!

An elderly Jewish man was admitted to the local hospital, which happened to be run by a Catholic order. All the nurses were nuns.
One of the nurses was preparing his records and she asked him who would be responsible for his bill.
"I don't have any money," the old man told her.
"Do you have any family?"
"I have one sister who changed her religion and became a nun, so she's an old maid."
"I'll have you know that we're not old maids," the nurse protested. "We're married to Christ."
"In that case," the old man replied, "send the bill to my brother-in-law."

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )"

Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks at his lunch and says, "I don't like chicken soup, bring something else." The hospital worker said, "It's good for you, the doctor said you should have it." But the patient refused to eat. That night, a patient in the room with Joe had a bad stomach pain so the nurses came in to give him an enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joe.

The following week, when he was leaving the hospital, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital. He told him, "Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but they're very strict about their food. Here's a good tip - when they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or else they'll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your butt!"

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for more...

A man had just undergone coronary surgery at Mercy Hospital and was in the recovery room. A Sister of Mercy was at his bedside to reassure him that all went well. "You are going to be fine, Mr. Jones, however we do need to know how you intend to pay for your hospital stay. Do you have insurance coverage?"
"No, I don't," the groggy man answered.
"Is it possible for you to pay in cash then?" the nun persisted. "No, I'm afraid that's not possible," he replied.
"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun asked. "Only my sister in Texas, but she's a humble spinster nun," said the man.
"Mr Jones, I must correct you. Nuns are not spinsters for they are married to God," the nun explained.
"Well, in that case, send my bill to my brother-in-law!" he said.

There's a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs, according to the nearby monitor, increase significantly. The nurse gets the bright idea that oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman's husband, tells him her idea about oral sex, and he agrees. When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed, and closes the door. Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife's vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately.
The nurse, upset that her idea had not only not worked, but seemed to be threatening the life of the woman she had sought to save, asked the man what had happened.
"I'm not sure, but I think she choked".