Heaven and hell Jokes / Recent Jokes
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions."Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead". "OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"GOD says, "So you would like them." "OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?" "So you would LOVE them", GOD replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?" GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Two Irish friends greeted each other while waiting their turn at the bank window. "This reminds me of Finnegan," remarked one. "What about Finnegan?" inquired the other. "Tis a story that Finnegan died, and when he greeted St. Peter, he said: Its a fine job youve had here for a long time. Well, Finnegan, said St. Peter, here we count a million years as a minute and a million dollars as a cent. Ah! said Finnegan, Im needing cash. Lend me a cent. Sure, said St. Peter, just wait a minute."
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t hen went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then more...
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven. "Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler. "I was a good father," he answers. "Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance." St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question. The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family. But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon. At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the re st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now more...
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper:' Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?'' Yes,' the professor ansvered.' When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.'' Well,' said the gatekeeper.' That is a very minor sin. You may enter.'' Thank you very much, Saint Peter,' the professor ansvered.' Im am not Saint Peter,' said the gatekeeper.' He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.'
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"The man says, "Methodist."St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?""Baptist.""Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?""Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovahs Witnesses are in room 8, and they think theyre the only ones here.