Heaven and hell Jokes / Recent Jokes

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. "What sort of accountant are you?" says St Peter"Public Practitioner," is the reply."Name?"He gives his name. St Peter goes through some files and pulls one out."Oh, yes. Weve been expecting you. Youve reached your allotted span," says St Peter."How can that be?" says the accountant. "Im too young to go. Im only forty-eight""No, thats impossible. ""Why do you say that?""Well weve been looking at your time sheets and the hours youve charged your clients. By our reckoning youre at least ninety three."

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. Come with me, said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool. Wow, thank you, said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. Wait, I think you are a little mixed up, said the priest. Shouldnt I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached Gods word. Yes, thats true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "Im sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions arent ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be." "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!" "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy. "Id like to be one cool stud!" was the reply. "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "Youll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 34", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7 tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the re st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now more...

TWO men in their 80s who had played golf every day of their long lives wondered if there was a golf course in paradise. After attending the morning service in church they approached the Vicar and sought his opinion.' I'll ask Saint Peter and let you know next Sunday,' replied the holy man.

The following Sunday the two men accosted the Vicar. T have good news and bad news for you,' said the holy man.

'The good news is that there is an excellent golf course in heaven.'

'And what is the bad news?'asked the two.

'The bad news is that you have to tee off the course next Saturday.'

So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "Youre going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? Theres a bass player named Mingus and a pianist named Monk, and any day now we expect this Blakey guy to show up with his drums."Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. Theres a girl singer."

Morty the producer dies and goes to purgatory. The agent behind the counter says "So Morty, whats it gonna be Heaven or Hell?" Morty asks, "Whats the difference?" Sid says "Take a look at the monitor over here." Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well thats nice. Pretty boring but nice. Whats Hell like?" Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time. "This is great!" says Morty. "I think Ill try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell. When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty look s around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he more...