Definitely Jokes / Recent Jokes

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence. Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny," To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".

Little Johnny was in class again. Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone tell me a sentence with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand." The sky is definitely blue." "Thats not bad, Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red." Young Sally tried: "The grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally, but grass can be yellow or brown too!" Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up." Miss Brown does a fart have lumps?" The teacher was horrified." No of course not Johnny! What are you talking about?" So Johnny says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly more...

A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot, but sell me one that definitely talks."
The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks."
The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table, and said to the parrot, "Okay, talk."
The parrot said, "Show me your tits."
The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, "So talk."
Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits."
To show the parrot his place, she put him in the fridge for a longer time, but still the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer.
There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"

She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself. Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?" Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him. Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear." "Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?" Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand. "Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher. "Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert more...

Fred was definitely more than a bit dumb; when his pal asked him how he had enjoyed his day at the zoo, he replied, "it was a total con! I saw a sign that said To The Monkeys, so I followed it and saw the monkeys. Then I saw another sign that said To The Bears, so I followed that and saw the bears. But when I followed a sign that said To the Exit, I found myself out on the street."

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are more...