Definitely Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Boys Will Be Boys

    Hot 2 months ago

    It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
    "Hello?" I said.
    A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
    I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
    I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
    "Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
    "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
    Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
    "Is this Steve?"
    My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
    So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
    "Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
    I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at more...

    Hangovers

    Hot 5 years ago

    * One Star Hangover
    No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a huge steak and a side of gravy fries.
    ** Two Star Hangover No pain.
    Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee/coca-cola you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a Bacon & Egg McMuffin combo (with orange juice!!!).Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is surfing the internet and writing junk e-mails.
    *** Three Star Hangover Slight headache.
    Stomach feels crappy. You are more...

    A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
    First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
    The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can sometimes be gray, or black."
    A second little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
    "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
    Then little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
    The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
    "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

    A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."
    She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.
    Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
    The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
    Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
    Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
    "Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"
    Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly more...

    A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, "I want a parrot
    but sell me one that definitely talks."
    The man sold her a parrot, saying, "This one definitely talks."
    The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table and said to
    the parrot, "Ok, talk."
    The parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman was outraged. So
    she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out
    and said, "So talk."
    Again, the parrot said, "Show me your tits." The woman, to show
    the parrot his place, put him in the fridge for a longer time and
    the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she
    put him in the freezer.
    There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey,
    "How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?"

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