Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why? The conductor. Business before pleasure. Q: Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants? A: They've had so little use. Q: What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? A: The sack. Q: What do you have when a group of conductors are up to their necks in wet concrete? A: Not enough concrete. Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival? The good news: it crashed. The bad news: there were three empty seats on board. Q: What's the difference between a symphony conductor and Dr Scholl's footpads? A: Dr Scholl's footpads buck up the feet. Q: What's the difference between a pig and a symphony orchestra conductor? A: There are some things a pig just isn't willing to do. Q: What is the ideal more...
Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).
Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few conductors can read a score.
Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.
Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.
Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking ability to more...
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Q: How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to understand...
Q: What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA! Q: What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks? A: Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms! Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants? A: They've had little use.
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