Piece Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Lock, Stock and Barrel

    Hot 8 months ago

    An entrepreneur attended an auction at which he won the bid on an old safe. With dreams of a large fortune inside, he was told that the business from which the safe originated was so long defunct, that no one had the combination. Undaunted, he called a locksmith to try to get the safe open.

    The first locksmith told the entrepreneur that it would cost forty dollars to open the safe intact. However, tried as he might, he couldn't open it, and told the wealthy man that he had lost his money in buying the safe.

    The entrepreneur then contacted another locksmith, a crusty, bent old man with three days' growth of white whiskers, who took a long look at the safe, noted its manufacturer and retired to his truck. Shortly, he returned with a power drill, a ruler, and a small, bent piece of metal.

    The locksmith measured a few inches from the dial and marked an "x" at the "2 o'clock" mark. It took more than half an hour for the old man to drill more...

    The snoring stopper!

    Hot 7 months ago

    A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
    A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
    Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
    The woman sleeps very soundly.
    The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
    He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the more...

    Orange Yarn

    Hot 6 months ago

    Abraham is an old Jewish man who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says,' Hey Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow.'

    Abe says,' OK.'

    The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.

    The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe.' What is this? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?'

    Straightfaced, Abe replies' I'm very careful when I deal with more...

    Physics Exam

    Hot 2 years ago

    The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
    "Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer."
    One student replied:
    "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building."
    This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of more...

    Mom At The Whore House

    Hot 3 years ago

    Twas the night before Christmas,
    When all through the house,

    Everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
    With Mom at the whore house,

    And dad smoking grass,
    I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!

    When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter,
    I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!

    When out on the lawn I saw a big dick,
    I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

    He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
    I knew in a moment the fucker had fell!

    He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
    And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.

    He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
    The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

    He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
    Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night!

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