A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
At a wedding rehearsal, the pastor told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him."
The father, a department store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed his daughter's hand on his son-in-law's arm and said, "No deposit, no return."
From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.4. In so labour-intensive an more...
If Men Were in Charge of Weddings
There would be a "Rehearsal Kegger" rather than a "Rehearsal Dinner."
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.
They would have NO tan lines.
The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride would get punched in the head.
Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of "Best Man."
There would be "Tailgate Receptions."
Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.
Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. Those strippers and liquor sure do add up.
Men wouldn't ask, "Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?" They'd just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.
Favors would be more...
If the entire world was a stage and God was the director, what we need is a rehearsal.