Instruments Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A man is walking around the streets of New York one day when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

    "Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the International Orchestra."

    "Spectacular!" the man replies.

    "It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the King of England, he loves the music. He says' Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo. We play for the Queen of France. She loves the music. She says' Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the goddamn piccolo. Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music. He says' Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit, AND ME WITH more...

    Dept. of the Army
    Regulations For Operation Of Aircraft
    Commencing January 1920
    1. Don't take the machine into the air unless you are satisfied it will fly.
    2. Never leave the ground with the motor leaking.
    3. Don't turn sharply when taxiing. Instead of turning sharp, have someone lift the tail around.
    4. In taking off, look at the ground and the air.
    5. Never get out of the machine with the motor running until the pilot relieving you can reach the motor controls.
    6. Pilots should carry hankies in a handy place to wipe off goggles.
    7. Riding on the steps, wings, or rail of the machine is prohibited.
    8. In case the engine fails on takeoff, land straight ahead regardless of obstacles.
    9. No machine must taxi faster than a man can walk.
    10. Never run motor so that blast will blow on other machines.
    11. Learn to gauge altitude, especially on landing.
    12. If you see another machine near you, get out of the way.
    13. No two cadets more...

    From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.4. In so labour-intensive an more...

    From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor. After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations: 1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate. 2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision. 3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency. 4. In so labour-intensive an more...

    From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
    To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
    Re: Schubert`s Symphony No. 8 in B minor.

    After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:

    1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.

    2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.

    3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any more...

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