Violins Jokes

From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor. After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations: 1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate. 2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision. 3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency. 4. In so labour-intensive an more...

From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert`s Symphony No. 8 in B minor.

After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:

1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.

2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.

3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any more...

From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management ConsultantsTo: Chairman, The London Symphony OrchestraRe: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and recommendations:1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would seem to us to be adequate.2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of efficiency.4. In so labour-intensive an more...

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy."

The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world."

Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They are actually the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.