Carrot Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst.They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

    a carrot lettuce and a dick were talking
    the carrot said i have a terrible life they cook me or eat me raw
    the lettuce said you think you have a terrible life they cut me up and put me in salads
    the dick said you think you got it bad they wrap me up put me in a dark cave and make me do 100 push-ups

    I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
    You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts... eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
    Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?
    I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
    About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave more...

    I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
    frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with
    their wagging fingers and annual tip on how to get through the holidays
    without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a
    list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,
    high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
    vegetable sticks, they say.
    Good grief.
    Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
    think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I
    have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow
    them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?
    Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
    1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
    holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, more...

    Knock Knock
    Who's there?
    Carrot!
    Carrot who?
    Carrot me back home!

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