January Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    15. I will not eat other animals' poop. 14. I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.13. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. 12. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.11. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.10. Cats: Circulate a petition that sleeping become a juried competition in major animal shows. 9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.7. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on steroids, or they'll flush me! 6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post. 3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock. 2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. AND the Number 1 more...

    Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department
    From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995
    Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
    - Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
    Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
    - Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
    Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
    - The New York Times, November 22
    Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
    - The Los Angeles Times, November 2
    'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
    - Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
    Alcohol ads promote drinking
    - The Hartford Courant, November 18
    Malls try to attract shoppers
    - The Baltimore Sun, October 22
    Official: Only rain will cure drought
    - The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
    Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
    - The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
    Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
    - Newsday, July 11
    Man shoots neighbor with machete
    - The Miami Herald, July more...

    I hate some things about this time of year. Not the crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
    You can't pick up a magazine without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts... eliminate second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say.
    Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick?
    I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
    About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave more...

    I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
    frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with
    their wagging fingers and annual tip on how to get through the holidays
    without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine without finding a
    list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate second helpings,
    high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
    vegetable sticks, they say.
    Good grief.
    Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't
    think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I
    have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow
    them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's?
    Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
    1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
    holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, more...

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