Scotch Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    The best fruit cake ever

    Hot 6 years ago

    1 cup butter
    1 cup sugar
    4 large eggs
    1 cup dried fruit
    1 tsp baking powder
    lemon juice
    1 cup brown sugar
    nuts
    1 or 2 bottles scotch whiskey
    Before you start, sample the scotch to check quality. Good isn't it? Now start baking.
    Select a large misking bowl, measuring cup etc.
    Check the scotch again, as it must be just right.
    To be sure that the scotch is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
    With an electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
    And one teaspoon of thugar and beat again.
    Meanwhile, make sure the scotch is still OK.
    Cry another cup.
    Open second bottle if necessary.
    Ant tow large leggs, 2 cups dried fruit and beat till high.
    If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry loose with drewscriver.
    Next, sift three cups of salt or anything, it really doesn't matter.
    Sample scotch again.
    Sift half cup of lemon juice.
    Fold in more...

    12 year old Scotch !

    Hot 7 years ago

    Santa walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
    Santa takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender: "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
    Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch. Santa takes a sip...same reaction. But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch.
    Again, same reaction from Santa. Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours a glass of 12-year-old scotch. Santa takes a sip and is most satisfied.
    All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
    "hey mishter, tashte this!"
    Santa obliges...he promptly spits it out.
    "It tastes like piss," Santa shoots back at the more...

    Strip Club Outing

    Hot 8 years ago

    Frank is a hard worker, puts in a lot of overtime and spends most of his evenings bowling or working out at the gym. His wife, Susan, feels he is pushing himself too hard so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.
    The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Frank, how ya doing tonight?" Susan is puzzled and asks Frank if he's been to the club before. "No, honey," Frank replies, "He's just a guy that works out at the same gym I go to."
    When they are seated, a waitress approaches and asks Frank if he'd like his usual scotch. Susan, now becoming uncomfortable, says, "You must come here often for her to know that you drink scotch."
    "No, she's in the Ladies Bowling League and we share lanes with them," Frank explains.
    Just then, a stripper comes over to their table, throws her arms around Frank and says, "Hi, gorgeous, want your usual table dance?"
    Now furious, Susan grabs her purse and more...

    Floppy disk care

    Hot 7 years ago

    # Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
    # Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
    # Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
    # Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
    # Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert more...

    Scotch Expert

    Hot 7 years ago

    A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
    The bartender thinks, "This guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
    The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender, "I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!"
    Still unimpressed, the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
    The patron takes a sip...same reaction.
    But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
    Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
    All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
    He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says: "Shay mishter, tashte this!" The patron obliges...he promptly spits it out.
    "That tastes more...

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