Bloody Jokes / Recent Jokes
A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal.
He says to his pal, "Hey! That's Jurassic Park Director, Steven Spielberg over there! God, I wish he'll come over to say hi".
Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a heavy punch on the nose.
"Hey! What's that for?!"
"You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour!"
"I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same!"
Spielberg walks back.
The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch on the face.
"What... !?!"
"YOU BLOODY AMERICAN! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!"
"No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic!"
"Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"
2 guys decide to go down to Mexico and start a bungee jumping business. So they go down to Mexico and start setting up the equipment on a bridge while a curious crowd gathers at the bottom of the bridge and watches. Once the equipment is set up one of the friends decides to test out the stuff. So he sets off and as he bounces back up the first time he comes up with a bloody lip. The second time he bounced back up he had a black eye and a gash on his face to go along with the bloody lip. The other friend tried to catch him but missed. The third time he came back up his face was swollen on the right side and he had blood all over his face. The friend finally caught the other man and tried to tend to the wounds. He asks the friend if the cord was too long.
The friend replies, "No...Cord....fine...."
The first friend cries out, "Well what the hell happened down there??"
The second friends slowly replies, "What...the....hell... is a...pinata?"
3 vampires walk into a bar and the first orders a bloody mary. Then the second orders a bloody mary too. Then the third orders a glass of hot water. The other two vampires say, "What are you thinking, a glass of water?" The third pulls out a tampon and says, "Tea time!"
1) A guy goes into the doctor's
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my botty"
"Good grief, how's that?'
"Don't you start"
2) "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
3) A Welshman goes to the doctor:
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home"
"that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome"
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual"
4) A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
Well, "says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy."
5) Man goes to his GP with a peanut stuck in his more...