Common Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    A few Q and As

    Hot 7 months ago

    Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
    Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?
    A. Money
    Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
    A. After five years your job will still suck.
    Q. What's the difference between you and your paycheck?
    A. Your wife will blow your check.
    Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
    A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body except his own.
    Q. Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
    A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
    Q. What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
    A. They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
    Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
    A. It's not hard.
    Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist beach?
    A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
    Q. Who is the more...

    Some of these are EXTREMELY offensive. Women who are sensitive
    should
    probably skip this. Why women!? Any FCP or men too!!

    ----------

    1. What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy is warm
    and moist. A cunt is what owns it.

    2. What's a clitoris? A female hood ornament.

    3. What's the only bad thing about the 69 position? The view.

    4. Why do men fart more than women? Because women won't shut up long
    enough to build up pressure.

    5. Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair? Because if
    you drag them around by the feet they fill up with dirt.

    6. Why did god give men penises? So we'd always have at least one
    way to shut a woman up!

    7. What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick? You
    don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

    8. How is a woman like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.

    9. more...

    Dave Barry On College

    Hot 4 years ago

    College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time sleeping and trying to get dates.
    Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:
    1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
    2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
    These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.
    It's very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize - don't ask me why - the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were more...

    MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information
    System
    Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115
    lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large
    quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
    1. Surface Tension-soft and warm.
    2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
    3. Boils at nothing.
    4. Freezes without reason.
    5. Melts with special reason.
    6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
    7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common
    ore.
    8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
    9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
    10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
    reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
    1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive more...

    Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
    A: They both BLEW the BIG one.

  • Recent Activity