Specimen Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET Workplace Hazardous Materials Information
    System
    Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average weight 115
    lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs. Occurrence: Large
    quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.
    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
    1. Surface Tension-soft and warm.
    2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
    3. Boils at nothing.
    4. Freezes without reason.
    5. Melts with special reason.
    6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
    7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common
    ore.
    8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
    9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
    10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to
    reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.
    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
    1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive more...

    Element: Woman
    Symbol: wo
    Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 280
    Discoverer: Adam
    Occurrence: Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occuur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall).

    Physical properties:
    1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
    2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
    3. Melts if given special treatment.
    4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.
    5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
    6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

    Chemical properties:
    1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and and many of the precious stones.
    2. May explode spontaneously if left alone.
    3. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    4. Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain more...

    The story behind this joke:... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Paleoanthropology DivisionSmithsonian Institute207 Pennsylvania AvenueWashington, DC 20078Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. "Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the "Malibu more...

    Old man's sperm cup

    Hot 2 years ago

    There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.
    The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.
    The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.
    Doctor: What was the problem?
    Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing.
    Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!
    Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

    Give it a rest

    Hot 2 years ago

    A chap had a very painful elbow. He went to see his own
    doctor, who told him to rest it: no treatment was required, it
    was just tennis elbow.
    Rather dissatisfied, he decided to go to a new computer-based
    medical service that had just opened up. He went inside the
    building and found the terminal, but there were no people in
    sight. The instructions told him to slide his credit card
    through the slot, and that $150 would be debited. When he had
    done this, he was asked screen after screen of questions about
    himself, until eventually a specimen bottle appeared. The
    instructions on the screen said, "Produce urine specimen and
    pour into slot on left," so he did. A few seconds later, the
    screen read:
    Diagnosis: Tennis elbow
    Treatment: Rest
    Well, he wasn't happy. $150 wasted just to be told the same
    thing again. He thinks, "I'm going to confuse the hell out of
    that smug machine." He went home, took a bottle more...

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