A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates.
The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected.
He queries the first candidate: "What was your annual salary, and what was your profession?"
"I made $150,000 as an Attorney" comes the reply.
"You may enter" says the Angel.
Second candidate, same question. "I made $95,000; I was a realtor."
He is also permitted to enter. Now it is the third man's turn.
"My annual salary was $8,000."
"Cool!" replies the Angel, "and what instrument did you play?"
After having his annual check up, a man is waiting in the doctor's office for his test results. He's called into the office where the doctor tells him that he has good news, and he has bad news.
"First the good news. Your penis has grown 4 inches."
"That's great news Doc. What's the bad news?" asked the man.
"It's malignant!" replied the doctor.
Amsterdam (AP/UPI) - While the Lewinsky scandal continues to rage on the front of American newspapers, a much different reaction has developed on this side of the Atlantic. To world-wise, sophisticated Europeans, the spectacle is a curious sideshow and another reason to mock and disdain the puritan morals of their American counterparts.
"You feelthy Americans, you make me seek," says sneering French graduate student Serge Tati, 47, expressing a common sentiment. Fashionably clad in a horizontal stripe t-shirt and skin-tight Speedo, he was recently relaxing on the Lido with his mistress Yvette LaFleur, 43. Like thousands of fellow French graduate students, he was enjoying his annual 28-week vacation.
"Beel Clinton, he is Euro, no. He eez moderne, he eez now. He has joie de vivre. He ravages zee young geerls. In my country, we geeve heem a medal, no?" asks Tati, deeply drawing on a clove cigarette.
"Oui, like Jerry Lewees," adds the topless more...
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me? The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she more...
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table."Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you.""All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?""Put them on the chair, on top of mine."