Blessed Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined. One
    day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor,
    and the third was an engineer.
    The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine. The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest, seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and the lawyer was set free.
    The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
    At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest, and
    knelt, but before he placed his head on the more...

    (This was sent to me through a friend of a friend - you know the story.)
    Jesus took his Disciples up the mountain and, gathering them round him, he taught them, saying:
    "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
    Blessed are the meek.
    Blessed are the that mourn.
    Blessed are the merciful.
    Blessed are they who thirst for justice.
    Blessed are all the concerned.
    Blessed are you when persecuted.
    Blessed are you when you suffer.
    Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in Heaven. Try to remember what I'm telling you!"
    Then Simon Peter said: "Will this count?"
    And Andrew said: "Will we have a test on it?"
    And James said: "When do we have to know it for?"
    And Philip said: "How many words?"
    And Bartholemew said: "Will I have to stand up in front of the others?"
    And John said: "The other disciples didn't have to learn more...

    Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

    Holy Water: The cure-all

    Hot 4 years ago

    One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
    Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me... and he took a step forward"!
    The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"
    The Choirboy replies...
    "flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!

    Bernie at the Races

    Hot 3 years ago

    Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street. He's an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street, Bernie sees what's happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns it to Rabbi Levine. "I don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie's shoulder and says, "May God bless you." Bernie thinks, "I've just been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes to the races and sees in the first race a horse named' Top Hat' at 20 to 1. He bets £50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also. When Bernie finally returns home to his wife, she asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started winning on horses that more...

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