Disciples Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    (This was sent to me through a friend of a friend - you know the story.)
    Jesus took his Disciples up the mountain and, gathering them round him, he taught them, saying:
    "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
    Blessed are the meek.
    Blessed are the that mourn.
    Blessed are the merciful.
    Blessed are they who thirst for justice.
    Blessed are all the concerned.
    Blessed are you when persecuted.
    Blessed are you when you suffer.
    Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in Heaven. Try to remember what I'm telling you!"
    Then Simon Peter said: "Will this count?"
    And Andrew said: "Will we have a test on it?"
    And James said: "When do we have to know it for?"
    And Philip said: "How many words?"
    And Bartholemew said: "Will I have to stand up in front of the others?"
    And John said: "The other disciples didn't have to learn more...

    And Jesus said unto his disciples, "Whom do men say that I am?"And His disciples answered unto Him, "Master, thou art the supreme eschatological manifestation of omnipotent ecclesiastical authority, the absolute, divine, sacerdotal monarch."And Jesus said, "What?"

    Then Jesus took his disciples up on the mountain and gathered them
    around him. And he taught them, saying,
    "Blessed are the poor in spirit.
    Blessed are the meek.
    Blessed are the merciful.
    Blessed are you who thirst for justice.
    Blessed are you who are persecuted.
    Blessed are you who suffer.
    When these things begin to happen, rejoice, for your reward will be
    great in Heaven."
    And Simon Peter said, "Do we have to write this down?"
    And Philip said, "Will this be on the test?"
    And John said, Would you repeat that?"
    And Andrew said, "John the Baptist's disciples don't have to learn this stuff."
    And Matthew said, "Huh?"
    And Judas said, "What's this got to do with real life?"
    Then one of the Pharisees, an expert in the law, said, "I don't see
    any of this in your syllabus. Do you have a lesson Plan? Is there a
    summary? Where's the student guide? Will more...

    Earthly Drug Problems
    Jesus, in a very worried state, convened all of his apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of the high drug consumption problem all over the earth.
    After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion that in order to better deal with the problem, that they should try the drugs themselves and then decide on the correct way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made up of some of the members return to earth to get the different types of drugs.
    The secret operation is effected and two days later the commissioned disciples begin to return to heaven. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in the first disciple:
    ''Who is it?''
    ''It's Paul''
    Jesus opens the door.
    ''What did you bring Paul?''
    ''Hashish from Morocco''
    ''Very well son, come in.''
    ''Who is it?''
    It's Mark''
    Jesus opens the door.
    ''What did you bring Mark?''
    ''Marijuana from Colombia''
    ''Very well son, come more...

    Heard from a friend...
    Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
    St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
    one simple question.
    St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
    The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everybody
    gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."
    "WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same
    question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
    The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up
    a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
    St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the
    third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
    The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
    "I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
    the Jewish celebration of more...

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