Beard Jokes / Recent Jokes
A married man was spending the afternoon with his girlfriend when she asked that he shave his beard.
"I do like your beard, John, but I would really love to see your handsome face," she said.
"My wife loves this beard, honey," he replied. "I couldn't possibly shave it. She would kill me."
"Oh, please?" his girlfriend purred.
"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, John crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
His wife stirred, felt his face, and said, "Oh, Robert, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris' blood type is AK+. Ass-Kicking Positive. It is compatible only with heavy construction equipment, tanks, and fighter jets.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are more...
After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.
"But-where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me-you're still circumcised?"
In the mid-sixties, there was a hippy named Benny in San Francisco.
Benny was real hip, but he just couldn't grow a beard like the rest of the flower child guys in Haight-Ashbury (Hashbury).
One day Benny met up with a Gypsy Lady who liked him enough to grant him a wish, so, naturally, Benny wished for a beard.
Gypsy Lady granted the wish but warned Benny to ALWAYS wear the beard, never cut it off.
Well, the years went by, the flower children aged, the hippoy movement sorta died out, Benny went on to a career as a successful financial adviser.
Benny decided the beard no longer fit his image so, ignoring the Gypsy Lady`s warnings, he shaved it off.
**POOF** Benny disintegrated into a pile of ashes, the janitor swept him up and deposited him in a jar.
Moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.