Beard Jokes / Recent Jokes
Why did the dishonest man grow a beard?
So that no one could call him a bare-faced liar!
Lighting up in a smoke-free cave
On enlightening journey to Mecca, suggesting you go see "K-Pax"
Questioning strategy of battling Stealth bombers with a stick
Overdrawing your checking account at Talibank
Nominating Al Gore for membership because he has a beard
After President Bush speech, remarking, "You know, the guy has some valid points about us being completely insane"
Shaving your beard just to see if the Gillette Mach 3 with patented comfort edges really does give you the cleanest, smoothest shave possible
Parking your camel in the Supreme Leader's space
Calling Osama Bin Laden by his real first name, "Earl"
Mailing Anthrax without proper postage
©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
' I want you to help me stop my son gambling.' an anxious father said to his boy's principal.' I don't know where he gets it from, but it's bet, bet, bet.'
' Leave it to me,' said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father.' I think I've cured him,' he said.
' Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said,' I bet that's a false beard,' How much? I said, and he said $5'
' What happened? ' asked the father.
' Well he tugged my beard which is quite natural and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson!'
' No, it won't,' said the father.'
He bet me $10 on Monday that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!'
A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained
that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.
SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest
Flea: "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of
eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.
SP: "Flea, how are you doing?"
Flea: "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog
two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a
headache from the smell."
SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on
how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy.
Have you thought about what else you might like to do?"
Flea: "Oh yes more...
An attractive woman enters a quiet rural bar and gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he reaches her, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. He does, and she begins to gently caress his full and bushy beard.
"Would you happen to be the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Could you get him for me? I really need to speak to him," she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, now clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently."
"Tell him that there's no toilet paper in the ladies room."
Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
"Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn more...