Beard Jokes / Recent Jokes
Chuck Norris invented the beard.
Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished.
One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.
"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."
Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife and lo and behold she was. Finally, he wished more...
Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
Promises children O. J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
"Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to more...
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4 more...
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly.
As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"
Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want." So he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat. "No one will know me now-- I look just like everyone else!" He thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!" Santa rushed around a corner to hide. "It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!"
So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off. "I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought. So more...
Q: What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the sixteenth US president?
A: Ape Lincoln!
Q: Why did Abe Lincoln grow a beard?
A: He wanted to look like that guy on the five-dollar bill.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the sixteenth president with a famous slugger?
A: Babe Lincoln!
Q: Did Lincoln know that the North would win the Civil War?
A: After a while, he took it for Grant-ed!
Teacher: "John, do you know Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?"
Student: "No, Miss Frump. I thought he lived in Washington!"
Q: Why did Lincoln wear a tall, black hat?
A: To keep his head warm!
Q: WHat US president had long legs, a beard, and an unusual smell?
A: Abraham Stincoln!
Q: Why was Abraham Lincoln barn in a log cabin?
A: Because it was too cold to be born outside!
Q: Why is Abraham Lincoln like a bloodhound tracking someone?
A: They're both on the (s)cent!
Q: Why did they call more...
Bush: Whiskers No Longer a Threat to U.S.
The search for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq came to an end today as U.S. military officials found chemical, biological and nuclear weapons hidden in the scraggly beard of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
The Iraqi madman had instructed his weapons scientists to create the WMD in microscopic form so that he could carry them around on his person at all times, the officials said.
U.S. General Ricardo Sanchez said that the discovery of WMD nestled in Saddam's unkempt facial hair closes the book on one of Operation Iraqi Freedom's most enduring mysteries.
"Now we know why we never found the weapons of mass destruction," General Sanchez told reporters. "We never dreamed they were tiny enough to be hidden on someone's face."
The general added that Saddam was capable of launching his deadly weapons cache merely by shaking his head.
After he was captured, more...