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THOU SHALT NOT CALL TECH

Hot 3 years ago

THOU SHALT NOT CALL TECH SUPPORT. They don't want to talk to you, period. No matter how difficult you think your problem is, the person who picks up the phone doesn't give a sh*t. At all.THOU SHALT NOT CALL TECH SUPPORT. I can't stress this enough. The answer to your piddly-ass problem is probably on the web or in a manual. Are you illiterate? (If you're reading this, the answer is "probably.")THOU SHALT REBOOT THY COMPUTER. According to recent poll that I just made up, 75% of all calls to tech support are solved by restarting the computer. This is the simplest, easiest way to keep from breaking the first two Commandments. SO FREAKING REBOOT OR I'LL RIP OUT YOUR SPLEEN AND REPLACE IT WITH A FLAMING BAG OF EXCREMENT.THOU SHALT NOT FORGET THY PASSWORD. Do you know your name? Your address? Forgetting your password is like pooping your pants. Crash helmets will be distributed at the end of class, and we're breaking into your house to replace all your silverware with plastic more...

Dying man's last pleasure

Hot 7 months ago

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.
With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of more...

Shadken 2
A shadken goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
Martin replies, "I never interfere in my son`s life."
The shadken responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild`s daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter is too young to marry."
"But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young man is Lord Rothschild`s son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."

"I thought he was the pizza delivery guy leaving. No wondered he smiled when I tried to give him a tip!"
"I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!"
"With the earth shakin' and all the bright lights, we figgered we was abducted by aliens."
"Since the tomb was already empty when the stone was rolled away, I'm afraid you're speaking to the wrong department. Let me give you a BR#245-A-Res form
and direct you to Burial Services."
"As we've already stated several times before, according to the legal definition of 'escape', we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!"
"We was HYPNO-TIZED! Centurion Bobicus is still clucking like a chicken!"
"You told us to secure the tomb as best as we know how. We did! May I suggest an assessment of our current training program?
"All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!"
"Hey! What'd you expect? more...

1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
2. IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
3. ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
4. JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
5. POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You more...

A blonde was walking past a schoolyard during recess when she saw a young girl standing all alone on one end of the soccer field, while the other children all played a game of soccer. Feeling sorry for the poor child, she went up to the girl and made small talk.
She asked the little girl if she was OK.
The little girl replied she was fine.
The blonde then said, "Why don't you go play with the other children?"
The little girl replied, "I already am."
The blonde, a bit annoyed said, "What do you mean, you already am?"
The girl replied, "I am playing."
The blonde, thinking the girl was lying so she wouldnt be embarassed, said, "Wanna be friends?"
The girl hesitated, then reluctantly said Sure.
The blonde, feeling she made progress, says, "Would you like to go play in the sandbox?"
The girl replies, "Sure... after I'm done playing soccer. I'm the goalie."

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...
He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"
The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.
She says: "Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, Ii already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!"