Allen Jokes / Recent Jokes

What do I know about sex? I'm a married man."
- Tom Clancy
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesomethings that money can buy."
- Steve Martin
"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither."
- Drew Carey
"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go its pretty damned good."
- Woody Allen
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
- Unknown
"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing."
- Dick Brandon
"Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it"
- Richard Feynman
"All pop music is about sex. Rock is about more...

“Artichokes … are just plain annoying … After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual ‘food’ out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead. ” - Miss Piggy
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. ” –Sam Levinson
“This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn’t say how far to separate them. ” - Gracie Allen
“I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. ” - Erma Bombeck
“I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. ” - Joe E. Lewis
“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead. ” - Woody more...

Ellen Degeneres virusYour IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virusSuck all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virusMakes your whole computer go down
Disney virusEverything in the computer goes goofy
Mike Tyson virusQuits after one byte
Prozac virusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Sharon Stone virusMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there
Lorena Bobbit virusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virusAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virusBypasses the motherboard and turn on the a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virusWon't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virusRuns it's course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virusOnly attacks minor files
X-files virusAll your Icons start shape-shifting
Spice Girls virusHas no real function, more...

Bill and Bob were mischievous brothers. They always picked fights with each other. One day, their mother told them to go outside and play, but to remember to be good. Suddenly, Bob came running back in and said, "Mommy! Mommy! Bill broke Ms. Allen's window!"
Ms. Allen was their next door neighbor. Their mom was shocked. "Tell me, Bob. How did Bill break her window?"
Bob puffed out his chest and said accusingly, "I threw a rock at him and he dodged!"

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs Tonya Harding virus: Turns your. BAT files into lethal weapons George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Q. What's the difference between Bill and Monica.
A. One can't come clean and the other one can't clean cum.
Q. What's Monica's favorite instrument?
A. She's good at the piano, but she sucks at the organ!
Q. How will everyone remember Bill Clinton in history?
A. The President after Bush
Q. What's the new game there playing in the White House?
A. Swallow the Leader
Q. Have you heard about Michael Jackson's new book?
A. It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing"
Q. What did the man on the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A. Get out of my sun!
Q. What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?
A. Got two fives for a ten?
Q. How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
A. By putting a plunger in the toilet.
Q. What is the name of Helen Keller's dog?
A. Nyah, nyu, yuh, yah.
Q. What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
A. The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Q. What did Chelsea say when Hillary more...