Allen Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

    Bill and Bob were mischievous brothers. They always picked fights with each other. One day, their mother told them to go outside and play, but to remember to be good. Suddenly, Bob came running back in and said, "Mommy! Mommy! Bill broke Ms. Allen's window!"
    Ms. Allen was their next door neighbor. Their mom was shocked. "Tell me, Bob. How did Bill break her window?"
    Bob puffed out his chest and said accusingly, "I threw a rock at him and he dodged!"

    Ellen Degeneres virusYour IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
    Monica Lewinsky virusSuck all the memory out of your computer
    Titanic virusMakes your whole computer go down
    Disney virusEverything in the computer goes goofy
    Mike Tyson virusQuits after one byte
    Prozac virusScrews up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
    Sharon Stone virusMakes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there
    Lorena Bobbit virusTurns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
    Tim Allen virusAppears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
    Woody Allen virusBypasses the motherboard and turn on the a daughter card
    Saddam Hussein virusWon't let you into any of your programs
    Tonya Harding virusTurns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
    George Michael virusRuns it's course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
    Joey Buttafuoco virusOnly attacks minor files
    X-files virusAll your Icons start shape-shifting
    Spice Girls virusHas no real function, more...

    Food quotes, quips, and thoughts..."Artichokes... are just plain annoying... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." - Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." - Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." - Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." - Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead." - more...

    Lorena Bobbit virus:
    Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
    Tim Allen virus:
    Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
    Woody Allen virus:
    Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
    Saddam Hussein virus:
    Won't let you into any of your programs
    Tonya Harding virus:
    Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
    George Michael virus:
    Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
    Joey Buttafuoco virus:
    Only attacks minor files. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

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