Allen Jokes / Recent Jokes

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts..."Artichokes... are just plain annoying... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." - Miss Piggy"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -Sam Levinson"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." - Gracie Allen"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." - Erma Bombeck"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." - Joe E. Lewis"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead." - more...

Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

Lorena Bobbit virus:
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virus:
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virus:
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus:
Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus:
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michael virus:
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virus:
Only attacks minor files. Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts. . .

"Artichokes. .. are just plain annoying. .. After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual' food' out of eating an artichoke as you would rom licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead." -- Miss Piggy

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." --Sam Levinson

"This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them." -- Gracie Allen

"I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet." -- Erma Bombeck

"I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster." -- Joe E. Lewis

"I more...

Allen took his blind date to the carnival. ‘What would you like to do first, Sandra? ’ asked Allen.
‘I want to get weighed, ’ said Sandra.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.
When the ride was over, Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do.
‘I want to get weighed, ’ she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
‘I want to get weighed, ’ she responded.
By this time, Allen figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, ‘How did it go? ’
Sandra responded, ‘Oh, Waura, it was wousy. ’

Allen Iverson could be back in a Philadelphia 76ers uniform by next Monday night. And complaining by next Tuesday.

My brother was walking home one fine summer afternoon when he spotted
a young woman grieving over a pet dog that was recently struck by an
automobile. The pet had just finished dying at the distraught women's
feet...
Allen: "Miss?"
Woman: " Huh? "
Allen: "Miss, do you need a taxidermist?"