Yesterday Jokes / Recent Jokes

Just a little "back to school" humor!
> These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original
> spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas
> Medical Branch @ Galveston...
>
> My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P. E. today.
> Please execute him.
>
> Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had
> her shot.
>
> Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28,
> 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
>
> Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
>
> Please excuse Roland from P. E. for a few days. Yesterday he
> fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
>
> John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of
> his face.
>
> Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
> He was hurt in the growing part.
>
> Megan could not come to school today because she has more...

A Woman Called The Police Station And Said, “Hello, I Believe You Found A Man’s Body In The River
Yesterday And He Hasn’t Been Identified Yet. ”
“That’s True, Madam – The Policeman Replied. – Why Are You Asking? ”
“My Husband Disappeared Yesterday After Having A Bad Argument With Me And I Haven’t Seen Him
Since. I Wondered If It Could Be Him, ” Cried The Lady.
“Can You Tell Me Anything About Your Husband Which Could Help Us To Identify The Body? ” Asked The
Policeman.
“Yes, Sure – Answered The Lady, - He’s Cross-Eyed And Has A Strong Scottish Accent. ”

(source: Rex Loring, former RAF pilot)
Air-to-ground conversation involving BOAC pilot approaching Karachi
(Pakistan) International Airport:
Pilot: Speedbird 7-0-7 here. Request permission to land on runway 42-
Left.
Tower: Sorry, Speedbird 7-0-7. Runway 42-Left is closed. There was an
unfortunate incident yesterday. But you are cleared for landing on runway
19-Right.
Pilot: Roger Karachi tower. Proceeding on approach pattern.
[As the pilot enters final approach, he is appalled to see a 747 taking
off from that runway and heading straight at him. After taking violent
evasive action, the conversation resumes]
Pilot: Karachi Tower. What is going on ?? You cleared me for landing
on runway 19-Right, but there was another plane taking off from there !!!
Tower: Oh dear. I do hope we will not have a repeat of yesterday.

A guy told a group of his friends about the fantastic steak he had eating in a downtown restaurant the day before. They all decided to head down to the restaurant to see if it was really as great as he was making it out to be.
The group entered the restaurant and were seated at a table in the back section. After looking over the menu, they ordered and anxiously awaited their delicious, gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waitress brought them the smallest steaks they had ever seen.
Embarrassed, the guy called the waitress over and said, "Now listen here! Yesterday I came in here and you brought me the biggest, juiciest, most delicious steak I have ever had. Today, when I have all my friends here, you serve us these miniature steaks. What is the meaning of this?"
"Yesterday, sir, you were sitting by the window!" replied the waitress.

A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen."Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?""Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

YESTERDAY---------------Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestonehanging over meThe system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrongWhat it was I could not say. Now all my data's goneand I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.============================================Songs to program by... Eleanor Rigby---------------------Eleanor RigbySits at the keyboardAnd waits for a line on the screenLives in a dreamWaits for a signalFinding some codeThat will make the machine do some more. What is it for? All the lonely users, where do they all come from? All the lonely users, why does it take so long? Guru MacKenzieTyping the lines of a program that no one will run; Isn't it fun? Look at him working, Munching some chips as he waits for more...

The following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi.My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33.Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. (Squirts)Please excuse Tommy for more...