Jones Jokes

  • Funny Jokes

    It was John The Milkman's birthday. Being a friendly sort of chap, he knew most of his customers and had told quite of few of them about his birthday. When he reached number 28, he was met by Mrs. Jones, the young attractive occupant. She asked him into the house and gave him an enormous birthday breakfast. Then she took him by the hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom, where they had the most amazing sex.
    A couple of hours later as John was leaving the house, Mrs Jones pressed a pound coin into his hand.
    "I'm sorry," he said, "but I've got to ask - why the pound?"
    "Well," said Mrs Jones, "I said to my husband last night 'It's the milkman's birthday tomorrow, what shall we give him?' and he replied 'Oh screw the milkman, give him a pound.' The breakfast was my idea!"

    HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE BILL CLINTON'S FRIEND??
    The following is a list of dead people connected to Bill Clinton. Please
    note the following breakdown of causes, and then think about the statistical possibility of their being random occurrences (especially the plane crashes):
    1. James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died of an
    apparent heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key
    witness in Ken Starr's investigation.
    2. Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a
    Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she
    was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
    3. Vince Foster - Former White House counselor, and colleague of Hillary
    Clinton at Little Rock's Rose law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the
    head, ruled a suicide.
    4. Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former Democratic National
    Committee Chairman. Reported to have died more...

    A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Jones and the steward, Jack who managed to swim to the closest island.
    After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying and very upset that they would never be found. Dr. Jones on the other hand was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
    "Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones, how can you be so calm?" cried Jack. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never be discovered here."
    "Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Jack." began the confident Dr. Jones.
    "Five years ago, I gave the United Way $500,000 and another $500,000 to my church. I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years ago, I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed $750,000 to each. Last year, business was good, so the two charities each got a more...

    Life Insurance Sales

    Hot 6 years ago

    Private Jones was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn't long before the center's lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
    Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said:
    "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."
    "Now," he concluded, "which recruits do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

    The story of Opium Jones

    Hot 2 years ago

    First day of class in a rural Southern school. Teacher is calling role: "Billy Adams."
    "Here."
    "Susie Brown."
    "Here."
    She comes to "Opium Jones" and gasps. "Boy," she says, "what you name?"
    "Opium Jones!" he says proudly.
    "Boy," she says, "you go fetch yo' mammy to come see me."
    The mother arrives.
    "This boy say his name is Opium Jones," the teacher says.
    "That's right," the mother says. "That's what we named him."
    "But don't you know opium is a dope?" the teacher says.
    "I sure do," the mother replies.
    "No no no, that's not what I meant," the teacher says. "I mean, opium is illegal."
    "Uh-huh," the mother says.
    "No no," the teacher says. "What I mean is, opium is a seed what come from a white poppy."
    "You hit the nail right more...

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