Usually Jokes / Recent Jokes
An army camp in an Afghanistan desert had just received a new commander. During his first inspection he saw a camel tied to a tree just outside the camp.
The commander asked what the camel is for, and one of the soldiers said that sometimes the men get very lonely since there aren`t any women there, and when they do, they usually use the camel.
The commander goes about and doesn`t even think about it, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men brought the camel inside his tent and the commander went to work on it.
After about an hour the commander came out, zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No sir, we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
What is the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? 'Hey y'all... Watch this!'
Keywords and their meanings:
FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" more...
Men are like....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like....Vacations. They never seem long enough.
Men are like....Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like....Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.
Men are like....Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.
Men are like....Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.
Men are like....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like....Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are more...
Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age): WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? "Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?? "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 10)WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR,' cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." (Kally, 9)THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be more...
Men are like....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.Men are like....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.Men are like....Vacations. They never seem long enough.Men are like....Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.Men are like....Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.Men are like....Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.Men are like....Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.Men are like....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.Men are like....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.Men are like....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.Men are like....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.Men are like....Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.Men are like....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.Men are like....Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding more...