Upstairs Jokes / Recent Jokes

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
''Hello?'' says a little girl's voice.
''Hi, honey, it's Daddy,'' says Bob.' 'Is Mommy near the phone?''
''No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'' After a brief pause, Bob says,' 'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!''
''Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!''
''Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house.''
''Okay, Daddy!'' A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.' 'Well, I did what you said, Daddy.''
''And what happened?''
''Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, more...

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says,' 'When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say' hell' and you say' ass'.'' The 4-year-old happily agrees. As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7-year-old replies,' 'Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son,' 'And what would YOU like for breakfast?''' 'I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers,' 'but you can bet your ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!''

Will came home dejected because a boyhood friend was about to be executed for murder, but his mood wasn't improved when his bitchy wife started berating him after dinner for one thing after another. "Thats enough!" he finally announced. "Poor Sam Wright is going to die tonight, and all you can do is yell at me. I'm going upstairs."
Alone, watching TV, the woman had begun to regret her conduct when a newscaster reported that the condemned man had been given a final reprieve. She hurried upstairs, heard water running, burst into the bathroom and yanked open the shower-stall door and shouted, "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
"Good god, woman!" Shouted back her husband, "Isn't there anything about me that satisfies you?"

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turn on a night-light, turn on the answering machine, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phone the local cab company and request a taxi.
The taxi arrives, and the couple opens the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the taxi driver to know the house will be empty. So, she explains to him that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get more...

One day this man was gonna shoot his bee-bee gun, but first he had
to make a cake for his sons. Finally he was done, and the boys
came down to eat the cake. When they were done they went back
upstairs to play. Just before the father was about to go outside
the youngest son came down and said,"Dad, I'm pissing out bee-bees!"
The dad said,"That's alright." The son went back upstairs. The
middle son came down and again said I'm pisssing out bee-bees!
Again the dad replied, That's alright. Then the oldest son came
and the father said, "I know, I know, you're pissing out bee-bees."
No, I was playing with myself and shot the dog.

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smells would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.

Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural function and then would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out." That is until one more...

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral services are pending.