Twice Jokes / Recent Jokes

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

At a recent Computer Expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

If GM had developed technology like Mircrosoft, we would all be driving
cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to re-install the engine.
5. more...

Joe did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Joe. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own"
Joe thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Joe replied.
In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, nicely feathered. more...

Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in more...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don`t you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear-- that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling; the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV, where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie; the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should; or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss' bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us; "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist; "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;

'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?" I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night, and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense was caught in our eight foot electrified fence; he called out, more...

Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A. A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q. What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A. A Doberman.

Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3, 000, 000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just more...