Twice Jokes / Recent Jokes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.
One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous...."

A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie." As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over." The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "... to live in a ten story luxury mansion." The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion." Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women more...

Me: Hey, Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?
Donna: I dunno. How?
Me: Tell her the same dumb blonde joke twice in a row.
Me: Hey Donna, how do you make a blonde laugh twice in a row?

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

A Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,
pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our
glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink from the same glass twice."
An Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into
the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In my
part of the world we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to
drink out of the same glass twice either."
The Texas cowboy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the Mexican
and the Arab, and catches his glass. He says, "In America we have so many
illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones
twice."

Here are a few examples of before and after you fall in love:
b- you take my breath away
a- i feel like I'm suffocating
b- twice a night
a- twice a month
b- she says she loves the way i take control of a situation
a- she called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac
b- Lucy and Ricky
a- Fred and Ethyl
b- Saturday night fever
a- Monday night football
b- he makes me feel like a million dollars
a - if i had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...
b- don't stop
a- don't start
b- the sound of music
a- the sounds of silence
b-is that all your having?
a- maybe you should have just a salad, honey
b- wheel of fortune
a- jeopardy
b- its like I'm living in a dream
a- its like he lives in a dorm
b- $60/doz.
a- $1.50/stem
b- turbo charged
a- jump start
b- we agree on everything
a- doesn't she have a mind of her own?
b- Victoria's secret
a- fruit of the loom
b- charming more...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,
"What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"