Touch Jokes

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

a kid and his grampa were fishing and the grampa lit up a cigarette and the boy said can i have one the grampa said can u touch ur dick to your assholle and the boy said no
well an hour goes bye and the grampa grabs a beer and the boy says can i have one and the grampa says can you touch your dick to your asshole and the boy says no
another hour goes by and the boy has some cookies and the grampa says can i have one and the boy says can u touch your dick to your asshole and the grampa says proudly yes i can and and the boy says go fuck yourself these are my cookies

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

A father and son went grocery shopping, and down practically every aisle, the kid wanted something.
"Dad, can I get some Lucky Charms?"
"Sure, if you can touch your dick to your ass."
"I can't"
"Then I guess you don't get any Lucky Charms."
Later on
"Dad, can I get some Mountain Dew?"
"Can you touch your dick to your ass?"
"No"
"Then no Mountain Dew"
At the checkout, the dad feeling really sorry for his son, bought his son a lottery ticket.
They walked out to the car and the kid immediately scratched off the ticket, and screamed.
"Dad, I won, I won ten thousand dollars."
"Great, son, are you going to give some of the money to your mother and me?"
"I don't know, can you touch your dick to your ass?"
"Yes, I can son, I'm older"
"Good; go fuck yourself."

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your more...