Touch Jokes / Recent Jokes

Impressed by the impeccable cleanliness of the restaurant, the customer summoned his waiter over to the table to compliment him.
"We take pride in our sanitary precautions," the waiter explained. "For example, the manager makes us carry a spoon, so we don't have to touch the food we serve, and we even have a string attached to our pants fly, so that we don't touch the zipper."
"But how do you get it back into your trousers?" the customer whispered.
"Don't know about the others," the waiter replied, "but I use my spoon."

IT'S THAT TIME AGAIN LADIES

RULES TO THINK ABOUT BEFORE WEARING SANDALS

Please raise your big toes and repeat after me:... As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the rules when you wear sandals and other open toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. that my toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will heels spill over the backs.

And that the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up the big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off big toe.

I will not wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck more...

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your more...

Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electricbulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbsdark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labsspokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier thanthat of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There isless dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parkinglot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with allthings, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, theycan no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full darksucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has more...

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $
139.
95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with more...

Mel. Barbie Girl
Hi user, wanna go for a try?
Sure win!
Boot up!
I'm a Windows girl
In my Windows world
Life in coding
It's annoying
You can tune my files
Explore me everywhere
Imagination
Illegal operation
Come on System, let's go crashing
I'm a Windows girl
In my Windows world
Life in coding
It's annoying
You can tune my files
Explore me everywhere
Imagination
Illegal operation
I'm a prog, I'm a code
on a supermachine
when I crash,
Boot me up, and go crazy
I'm your pain,
boot me up, and start over again
Run a prog, see the fail
Just delete me
You can touch, i can hang,
like i say, just boot again
I'm a Windows girl
In my Windows world
Life in coding
It's annoying
You can tune my files
Explore me everywhere
Imagination
Illegal operation
Come on System, let's go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)
Come on System, let's go crashing more...

On day two budies had no place to stay in. They saw a farm and decided to stay there.They knocked on the door and a elderly scottish man answered.The two budies asked
can they stay over one night.The old scottish man repieid "
Yes, but you cant touch me daughter"
.So they stayed, and ingnoring the old dudes request they had sex with his 18 year old daughter.The old guy found out and the next day he told the guys to go out and bring back their favorite fruit.They did so.One came back with ten grapes.The scottish man said"
I found out you and your friend did touch me daughter, now you will pay!"
The old guy got the ten grapes and stuck them up the guys ass.The poor guy was screaming.But then he started laughing.The old guy said "
Why are you laughing! I just pushed ten grapes up you ass!"
The guy said"
Its that my freind is out there getting a watermellon"
.