Temple Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the Men's Room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks.
The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?"
"Yes."
"You come from Sudbury?"
"Yes."
"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"
"Yes, I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?"
The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!"

I hate September. It was always back to school, so I had to be ready. It was back to homework, so I had to turn off the Yankees and study. It was my sister’s birthday and I had to be..um..nice. Yuk. But just in case that wasn’t bad enough, the Jewish holidays are here!

Oy friggin’ vey.

I hate these holidays. Like four days in synagogue. In case you were wondering, the services are partially in English and partially in Hebrew, but mostly suck. If you are comforted by being in a room of people with your religious background, love a good solemn pray, or can’t get enough of a cantor, who sounds as if he has infected sinuses, chanting in Hebrew for 4 HOURS (Some people go all day! I swear God leaves after an hour and a half), I guess you’ve come to the right place.

Personally, I find the Rabbi’s sermon fascinating. You see, no matter how much sleep I get the night before, when he starts that sermon, boom, I’m out cold. Fascinating. He’s like a more...

Three oriental girls are in the temple.
The first one is chanting, "Oh great Buddha, send me a man with a dragon on his chest!"
The second one is chanting, "Oh great Buddha, send me a man with two dragons on his chest!"
The third on is chanting, "Oh great Buddha, send me a man with his drag'n on the ground!"

In a small town in India, a person decided to open up his Bar business, which was right opposite to the Temple. The Temple & its congregation started a campaign to block the Bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.

Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the Bar and it was burnt to the ground.

The temple folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the Bar owner sued the Temple authorities on the grounds that the Temple through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible for the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In its reply to the court, the temple vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop's demise. As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented:

"I more...

Once a man went to a temple to offer his prayers.
Fearing that his shoes would be stolen he left a message "I'm a professional boxer. Don't even think of stealing my shoes!" along with his shoes outside the temple.
When he came out after offering prayers he found his shoes had been stolen. In their place was a message "I am a profesional athlete. Don't even think of running after me".

A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray. "Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!! Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as more...

Two great winners of a riddle contest decide to have a match. One is the grand riddle king, while the other is a youngster who was avenging his father.
His father had lost a contest, and had been killed.
The old riddle king says,"You may not go inside the temple. You are too young and you are not sacred enough." The youngster answers," You may not go outside the temple. You are too old and so sacred that you should stay inside."
Moral: Treat others with courtesy, sometimes.