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It is Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting event. Opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the room and says,
'DO I LOOK FAT?'
There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted' yes'.
'No' means yes.' Yes' means yes.' I don't know' means yes.' It doesn't matter' means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes.
Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but more...
An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."
An irate woman burst into the bakers shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales." The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Maam, I suggest you weigh your son."
Cyber-Sex Dear John Letter:
You never know, this might come in handy one day.
Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),
I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair. This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:
_____ While our cybersex sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.
_____ Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.
_____ I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.
_____ Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:
? __ You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.
? __ You typed: "I more...
The story of the Bible (possibly offensive to Christians)Date: 3rd May 0023
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publish a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority.
However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
That the title of the book be' The Holy Bible' and not as you propose,' Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.
That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you utilise the' virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realises more...
Microsoft has just released it's update to TimeTraveller 1. 0 (TM), the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.
The first version of TimeTraveller, Microsoft now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. "My son was trying to go back a week earlier to do his history final a second time," one unhappy father from Johannesburg reportedly complained, "and he ended smack dab in the middle of the Boer War. What key do I push do get him back?" A caller from Bristol grumbled that his wife had got stuck a few hours in the past. "Me an' the missus can't agree on tea-time anymore," he grumbled, "an' she throws out the Guardian before it even arrives. "
TimeTraveller 1. 02 addresses the glitches that plagued the first release. The legions of women who lost technogeek partners to distant eras have been promised complementary copies of Widows' more...
An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said,' I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales.'
The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied,' Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son.'