Skydiving Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail. Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gas stoves?"

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor forwhat seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pullsthat cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to noavail. Suddenly, he looks down and he cant believe his eyes. Another man is in the airwith him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, theskydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells, "Hey, do you knowanything about skydiving?"The other guy yells back, "Fuck no! Do you know anything about lighting gasstoves?"

Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there?" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.
One guy asked, “If our chute doesn’t open, and the reserve doesn’t open, how long do we have until we hit the ground? ”
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, “The rest of your life. ”

A man goes skydiving for the first time. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. He pulls the rip cord, nothing happens. He tries again, nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute--nothing.

Suddenly, he looks down and he sees another man in the air with him, but this guy is going up! The skydiver yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"
The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

...then skydiving is not for you.

Q. How do you keep a blond from whistling while she is skydiving?
A. Make sure she wears underwear.