Deep Thoughts Jokes

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    Rules of Life

    Hot 3 years ago

    1. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.4. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.5. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her.. . believe them.7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself,' Will this matter one year from
    now? How about one month? One week? One day?'8. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.11. Work is good, but more...

    Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say' It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say,' That hurt, you stupid idiot?'Why is it more...

    Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?What would chairs look like if our knees bent the other way?If you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?If all the world's a stage, and all the people players, why isn't there better acting on' Baywatch'?If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?If you got into a taxi and the driver starts driving backwards, does she/he owe you money?If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

    It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.You can't have everything, where would you put it?Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

    If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?Is there another word for synonym?Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

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