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    I don't know if you saw Oprah a few days ago, but the winners of the "Young People Write an Essay About the Holocaust Contest" were announced. Fifty young people from around the country were selected to appear on Oprah's show and read portions of their essays, then watch Oprah cry with a real-life Holocaust survivor. Why do I think the contest was rigged? It's because my essay was not chosen, even though I am a young person and, like Oprah, I totally believe in angels.

    Luckily, I have a forum for my essay (Which my angels helped me write, by the way.) on Daily Comedy. Here it is. I think that after reading it you will agree that my holocaust essay's not being chosen is the biggest travesty in history since the holocaust.
    Oprah is Better Than Hitler
    An Essay by Kurt Metzger and Angels

    Hi, my name is Kurt and I hate the holocaust. It was totally not cool. If I ever had the chance to meet Hitler, I would tell him that he is a jerk and his mustache did more...

    Type D Personality?

    Hot 4 years ago

    You've heard about the highly competitive behavior of type A personalities, compared to the more laid-back, personality of type Bs.
    Well now I hear there is a new label- Type D's. They are people who display constant hostility, anxiety, anger, and depression.
    Type D personality? Didn't we used to have a better name for this kind of person? I think the term was "asshole".

    Phil Loves Pluto

    Hot 8 years ago

    I read the news today (oh boy!) that Pluto is no longer an official planet. After years of being one of the planetary gang, followed by additional years of contentious debate by astronomers who seem to have nothing better to do with their time, Pluto was (to paraphrase the slogan of a tiresome reality show) voted off the universe.

    Honestly, I always loved Pluto as a planet. Being the smallest of the bunch and the furthest from the Sun, Pluto always seemed like the plucky underdog of the heavens. In fact, no one even knew it was there until 1930 – and it took an amateur astronomer to find it, no less (all of the so-called professionals didn’t even know it was there). Plus, it moved to its own drumbeat: rather than run in parallel orbit with the other planets, it had the audacity to cut off Neptune and muscle in on its orbital path.

    I can also sympathize with Pluto for being told it’s not good enough to belong. Hell, I think everyone’s been in a situation like more...

    Whether pro-choice or pro-life, most people agree that an unexpected pregnancy presents a very serious decision. Here is a short quiz to help you make the right choice:

    1. Does the potential father have "Growing Up Gotti" hair?

    2. How about a pencil beard?

    3. Have you ever taken a cold, hard look at the most despicable aspects of your character, and instead of changing them tried to pretend they were some sort of asset, proudly wearing a shirt that says "Bitch," "Diva," "Stop Snitchin'" or "Blue-Collar Comedy Tour"?

    4. If you are white, are you planning to name your baby "Caitlyn," "Connor," "Dillon," "Kayla" or something else that calls to mind the rolling hills of Scotland or Ireland... or some other middle-class cracker bullshit?

    5. If you are black, would you name your son something like "Anferny," and then actually have the balls to walk more...

    Chapter 2: Are You Funny? No!
    I know I can teach you comedy. Why? Because I have won several comedy competitions sponsored by many notable brands of beer and malt liquor. Oh sure, you could buy someone else's comedy book, thereby verifying that you are gay and an arsonist as I have long suspected, but wouldn't you rather learn from the voice of experience? I'm talking about the experience that comes from winning a Bacardi T-shirt by telling a joke about your dick that is so funny, Bacardi is considering putting a picture of it on the labels of its many fine beverages! Enough of that, though! We'll learn more about my dick in Chapter 8: The Pride of New Jersey!
    First, let's find out if you're funny. Actually, we both know you aren't funny. Otherwise, why would you buy a book on how to be funny? It's because you're a dumb shit, that's why. Thanks for the upwards of 15 bucks, dumb shit-for-brains! Hopefully, though, you're funnier than my mom, who doesn't understand my jokes more...

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