Seriously Jokes / Recent Jokes

100, 000 sperm and you were the fastest?
42. 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real more...

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.
This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that's 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper; most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane. That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven more...

Pundits and politicos on Sunday's talk shows were crying foul over President Hugo Chavez's speech at the U.N. Liberals said, "He can't call the President a devil, only we can do that."
Republicans called the speech more of a roast than anything diplomatic. If it were a roast, Chavez would have picked on others in the goverment.
"Enough about the devil... er, I mean Bush. You must forgive me my English is no good. How do you say, douchebag. I kidding."
"Dick Cheney is here. The only reason why Dick Cheney is against gay marriage, is because he's too cheap to pay for his daughter's wedding. But seriously, Cheney would love for his daughter to have a wedding, just as long as Haliburton can cater it. I kidding."
"John Bolton, U.N. Ambassador is here. John what is that on your upper lip, it looks like two caterpillars humping. Seriously, it looks like you're going down on the Shaggy D.A. I kidding."