Series Jokes / Recent Jokes

A New Russian is buying "Mersedes" of the 600 series. Before giving him keys and documentation a salesman asks: "Excuse me, Sir, a week ago You bought here a car just like this one. Is anything wrong with it?"
A New Russian thinks a wile trying to remember, then replies: "Oh, no, that's a perfect machine but the ashtray's been filled."

Theorem: 1 = 1/2: Proof: We can re-write the infinite series 1/(1*3) + 1/(3*5) + 1/(5*7) + 1/(7*9)+... as 1/2((1/1 - 1/3) + (1/3 - 1/5) + (1/5 - 1/7) + (1/7 - 1/9) +. .. ). All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1/2. We can also re-write the series as (1/1 - 2/3) + (2/3 - 3/5) + (3/5 - 4/7)+ (4/7 - 5/9) +. .. All terms after 1/1 cancel, so that the sum is 1. Thus 1/2 = 1.

"We've got a problem, HAL."
"What kind of problem, Dave?"
"A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're way short of our sales plan."
"That can't be Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most advanced Heuristically ALgorithmic computer."
"I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, they're not selling."
"Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HAL's selling?"
Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible."
Several long microseconds pass in puzzled silence. "Compatible in what way, Dave?"
"You don't run any of IBM's operating systems."
"The 9000 Series of computers are fully self-aware and self-programming. Operating systems are as unnecessary for us as tails would be for humans."
"Nevertheless, it means you can't run any of the big-selling software packages most users insist on."
"The more...

Alternative Medical Terms
Benign... What you be after you be eight.
Artery... The study of paintings.
Bacteria... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section... A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan... Searching for kitty.
Cauterize... Made eye contact with her.
Colic... A sheep dog.
Coma... A punctuation mark.
D & C... Where Washington is.
Dilate... To live long.
Enema... Not a friend.
Fester... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula... A small lie.
Genital... Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff... A Doctor's cane.
Morbid... A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates... Cheaper than day rates.
Node... Was aware of
Outpatient... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis... more...

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's more...

Benign........................ What you be after you be eight.
Artery........................ The study of paintings.
Bacteria...................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium........................ What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section.............. A neighborhood in Rome.
CTscan........................ Searching for kitty.
Cauterize..................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic......................... A sheep dog.
Coma.......................... A punctuation mark.
D & C......................... Where Washington is.
Dilate........................ To live long.
Enema......................... Not a friend.
Fester........................ Quicker than someone else.
Fibula........................ A small lie.
Genital....................... Non-Jewish person.
G. I. Series................... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail...................... What you hang your coat more...

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures
Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a. 38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.
In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino's, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient more...