The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, "Mr. Claus has been violating children's right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law enforcement arm of Mr. Claus' organization to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the children's rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr. Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs."
Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo in which reads, in part:
You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout.
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees more...
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.
If your best Christmas tradition involves fire and reindeer meat.
If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson.
If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
If you get your Christmas tree from an empty lot, at night... the day after Christmas.
You might be a Scrooge, if your favourite version of "Silent Night" is sung by O.J. Simpson.
Parties, presents, those Christmas crying jagsso much to do! That's why Modern Humorist wants to simplify your holidays with an advent calendar you don't have to wait to open. No tiny doors to release each day, no little stale chocolates: It's all the advent you want all at once. If you've already missed some days, get reading!
Shining star of the East (Here, Naos in the constellation Puppis. Naos is a blazing supergiant with no official Christian affiliation and may be admired by all religious peoples, as well as nonreligious peoples.)
A sweet child singing carols (It may appear the child is mouthing the word "bottom" but surely that is a misperception on your part.)
A sprig of mistletoe (Poisonous, class B; swelling possible.)
Albert Finney (Plays Scrooge when Michael Caine demands cut of back end.)
Scene of falling snowflakes (Flakes #4, 678, 090 and #35, 097, 977? more...
What’s Ebenezer Scrooge’s favorite Christmas game?