Safely Jokes / Recent Jokes
We sleep safely in our beds, because rough men stand ready in the night to inflict violence on those who would harm us. George Orwell
A fathers rules to dating;
Rule One - If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two - You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three - I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and more...
Female Viagra
With the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance.
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence to almost simian levels, allowing' facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion, and argue effectively without being diverted into non relevant postulates such as' you don't love me anymore'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no more...
There were three men named nick, mike, and james, they had to save there selfs by wishing for something after jumping off a cliff. the first one was nick and he jumped off and said out loud MARSHMELLOWS AND LOTS OF THEM! and he landed safely. the second one was mike he jumped and said PILLOWS AND LOTS OF THEM! and he landed safely. last was james but when he got to the edge he jumped off and saw the drop and he yelled HOLY SHIT! and landed safely in a pile of gold glowing shit.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers more...