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    The colonels order

    Hot 4 years ago

    A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
    "Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area, an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
    EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
    "By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
    COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
    "By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel more...

    G: Jokes rated G are acceptable for everyone. No bad language and no violence or sexual references are in these jokes.
    PG: These jokes are suitable for most children. Mild violence or language may appear in these jokes.
    PG13: These jokes may contain some bad language or violence. Some mild sexual content may also appear in these jokes.
    R: These jokes contain foul language and sexual or violent content.
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    Hamsters & Babies

    Hot 1 year ago

    Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

    Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room.

    "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me.

    "Oldest trick in the book, son," I informed him.

    "You go in to see what's wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape."

    "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

    I put my best hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. Call the professional.

    "Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!"

    "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. more...

    How office memos go

    Hot 1 year ago

    MEMORANDUM From: Headquarters To: General Managers Next Thursday at 10: 30 Halley’s Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day’s observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet. MEMORANDUM From: General Manager To: Managers By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10: 30, Halley’s Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day’s work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Manager To: All Department Chiefs By order of the phenomenal vice-president, at 10: 30 next Thursday, Halley’s Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the company lawn, the executive vice-president will give more...

    1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
    2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
    3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
    4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
    5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
    6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
    7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
    8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
    9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
    10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

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