A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad."
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know that you're loyal?"
"Well I saved my platoon from the Viet Cong in Vietnam. That's how I lost my arms and legs."
"Well, how do I know that you're rich?" she inquires.
He replies,"I make over three million dollars a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement".
Looking at him in his wheelchair, she demands "How do I know you're a good lover?"
He shrugs "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
rich man and a poor man are talking about what they
gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man
says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond
ring." The poor man says "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other...what did you get
your wife?" The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo." The rich
man says "Why did you get her a dildo?" The poor man says, "So if she doesn't
like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself."
An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to
go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part
of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a
"Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you
The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks
speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant
entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition
in his younger days.
"Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint."
The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house...
Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes
dripping paint, and knocks again.
"Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it
was a Ferarri."
These are from actual resumes: "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs. "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability." "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap." "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich." "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." "Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various." RESUME BLOOPERS "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook." REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions." REASONS FOR LEAVING MY more...
This is the story of the night my ten-year-old cat, Rudy, got his head stuck in the garbage disposal. I knew at the time that the experience would be funny if the cat survived, so let me tell you right up front that he's fine. Getting him out wasn't easy, though, and the process included numerous home remedies, a plumber, two cops, an emergency overnight veterinary clinic, a case of mistaken identity, five hours of panic, and fifteen minutes of fame.
My husband, Rich, and I had just returned from a vacation in the Cayman Islands, where I had been sick as a dog the whole time, trying to convince myself that if I had to feel lousy, it was better to do it in paradise. We had arrived home at 9 p.m., a day and a half later than we had planned because of airline problems. I still had illness-related vertigo, and because of the flight delays, had not been able to prepare the class I was supposed to teach at 8:40 the next morning. I sat down at my desk to think and around ten more...